Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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