I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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