can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
