Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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