i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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