ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
