I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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