I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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