hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
