Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
