I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize