If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the day after is always just damage control
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
