piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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