At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
