i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
