You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
