We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
