And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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