im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
