i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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