i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
