my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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