when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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