she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
