i'm signing you up for texting rehab
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize