I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
