He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
