hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
