i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
