she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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