I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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