Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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