so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
