She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
