3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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