She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
