I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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