Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
