3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
