i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
