I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
