i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize