Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
