just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
