Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize