You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
