Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
