Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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