I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
