he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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