A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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