Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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