Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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