is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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