What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
