he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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