I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
