She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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