i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
