highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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