His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
