So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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